Suggested reading: Psalm 51, Romans 3 and 4
Soundtrack:
Helen Jane Long - Doll
Ryan Stewart - Butterflies
Michele McLaughlin - For the Lambs
Nearly another year older, and where am I now?
A year closer to Jesus, right?
Oh.
What a riotous and fantastic year it's been. What major upheaval. What a generous and forgiving God. His grace exceeds all expectations.
I used to think I didn't matter to Him. And I still often struggle with my worth, compared to that of others who, I believe, could have done so much more for Him. But that's because I look through my own eyes, instead of having His perspective on my infinitesimal, precious speck of a life.
Because it's gotta be precious; He wouldn't have gone through so much trouble to save me and keep me all these years if he didn't somehow value me, right?
And, believe me, it's taken a lot of saving and keeping. We're talking major car accidents, major sin issues, and major funks.
And I'm good at the funk part. I'm good at falling to the bottom of my shaky self-esteem and once again wondering why God would choose someone like me to carry the most valuable thing that exists in my heart. I'm clumsy, doncha know. I regularly run into things and drop things and generally make a mess of everything.
Like, it's really fortunate that my parents didn't name me Grace. Phew, bullet dodged!
At times like that, though, it's comforting in a backwards sort of way to remind myself that there's nothing humanly in me that's worth saving, and that I couldn't earn God's love if I tried. I can't please Him with what I can do, what I can give, or what I am.
It's a good thing that my relationship with God isn't based on what I have to offer him in exchange for what He has. That kind of view of God is doomed. DOOMED, I TELL YE!
"There is no one righteous, not even one;
there is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.
All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one."
~Romans 3:10b-12
That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? The depravity of man is nothing new, and my own righteousness is nonexistent. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. And yet, there's a joy that comes in acknowledging our own no-good-for-nothin'-ness. What God asks of us is not our goodness.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
~Psalm 51:16-17
What hope those few lines give me. What peace they impart. What mystery they hold. God delights in the sacrifice of my broken, screwed-up heart. The sacrifice of acknowledging that I have nothing worthy of offering Him, and offering it anyway.
I think God delights in an empty vessel. In empty hands.
Because they give Him room to place His things in them.
When we realize that what we cling to is worthless, it's easier to open our hands. To lose our grip. To surrender.
"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
~Romans 3:23-24
Knowing the end of the story makes it easier to walk through each day with faith. One day, I'll get to see what God used my surrendered speck of life to accomplish.
And if I spend my entire life looping back to this realization again and again, that's okay with me.
~Fumble
