Suggested reading: Psalm 51, Romans 3 and 4
Soundtrack:
Helen Jane Long - Doll
Ryan Stewart - Butterflies
Michele McLaughlin - For the Lambs
Nearly another year older, and where am I now?
A year closer to Jesus, right?
Oh.
What a riotous and fantastic year it's been. What major upheaval. What a generous and forgiving God. His grace exceeds all expectations.
I used to think I didn't matter to Him. And I still often struggle with my worth, compared to that of others who, I believe, could have done so much more for Him. But that's because I look through my own eyes, instead of having His perspective on my infinitesimal, precious speck of a life.
Because it's gotta be precious; He wouldn't have gone through so much trouble to save me and keep me all these years if he didn't somehow value me, right?
And, believe me, it's taken a lot of saving and keeping. We're talking major car accidents, major sin issues, and major funks.
And I'm good at the funk part. I'm good at falling to the bottom of my shaky self-esteem and once again wondering why God would choose someone like me to carry the most valuable thing that exists in my heart. I'm clumsy, doncha know. I regularly run into things and drop things and generally make a mess of everything.
Like, it's really fortunate that my parents didn't name me Grace. Phew, bullet dodged!
At times like that, though, it's comforting in a backwards sort of way to remind myself that there's nothing humanly in me that's worth saving, and that I couldn't earn God's love if I tried. I can't please Him with what I can do, what I can give, or what I am.
It's a good thing that my relationship with God isn't based on what I have to offer him in exchange for what He has. That kind of view of God is doomed. DOOMED, I TELL YE!
"There is no one righteous, not even one;
there is no one who understands;
there is no one who seeks God.
All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one."
~Romans 3:10b-12
That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? The depravity of man is nothing new, and my own righteousness is nonexistent. It would be laughable if it wasn't so sad. And yet, there's a joy that comes in acknowledging our own no-good-for-nothin'-ness. What God asks of us is not our goodness.
"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
~Psalm 51:16-17
What hope those few lines give me. What peace they impart. What mystery they hold. God delights in the sacrifice of my broken, screwed-up heart. The sacrifice of acknowledging that I have nothing worthy of offering Him, and offering it anyway.
I think God delights in an empty vessel. In empty hands.
Because they give Him room to place His things in them.
When we realize that what we cling to is worthless, it's easier to open our hands. To lose our grip. To surrender.
"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
~Romans 3:23-24
Knowing the end of the story makes it easier to walk through each day with faith. One day, I'll get to see what God used my surrendered speck of life to accomplish.
And if I spend my entire life looping back to this realization again and again, that's okay with me.
~Fumble
Friday, January 6, 2017
Monday, December 14, 2015
Why I oughta...
I'm not a bad person. I get along with most people. In fact, I'd be hard pressed to dislike someone.
But not, when I meet those few people, I can't stand them. And that, honestly, is a problem.
See, I'm called to love all people, regardless of my feelings about said people. And it's all well and good, so long as I happen to like those people. But what about those who injure me, physically or emotionally? What about that one person who gets under my skin like no one else? That one person that I feel justified to hate, just because they aren't the best example of humanity? Because we are all there at some point in our lives, and I'm sure I drive some people nuts. But still, there are those special people, the ones that go out of their way to make you miserable. They're not good people, so we shouldn't have to treat them better than they treat us, Golden Rule and all that, right?
Well, God has a pretty clear response to that line of thinking.
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reword will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, ans your heavenly Father is perfect."
~Matthew 5:43-48
Well, dang. So much for justifying my dislike. Ignoring them is one thing; I can usually handle that, but praying for4 them? And my own situation being so shallow, what of those who are truly persecuted across the world? They, more than anyone, ought to have the right to hate those who are attacking them. But to pray? It's more than they deserve, surely?
Well, the problem I've encountered is that it's not up to me to decide whether or not they deserve mercy and compassion. As much as I may feel justified, the state of another's eternal soul is out of my hands. I'm not God (and thank God, I might add...everyone would be dead!), and their actions and choices are not my responsibility. Which is great. God hasn't saddled me with an obligation to keep track of all the wrongs committed by others.
Mine is not to question, but obey. Which means praying for those who do me wrong. Which is, you guessed it...not my favorite, but okaaayyyy, if you say so, God.
But here's the catch (and it's a good one): when I start to buckle down, grit my teeth, and earnestly start to pray, something changes. While I still may not particularly like that person, I start to see them with God's perspective, and it changes things. That person who was so rude to me the other day is suffering, from a lack of love, a lack of God, a lack of hope. I, in my complaining, am missing out on a work of change and restoration God desires me to pray and battle for in that person.
The truth is, I don't know what anyone's situation is, and to be offended by their conduct sinks me to a fleshly level that never brings forth any sort of goodness or life. And I don't want that. The world has given me nothing to be proud of. Nothing.
So here's my challenge, for myself, and for you. Instead of acting or reacting like you normally would, when you encounter someone who is less than kind to you, when you recall or can't get over a wrong someone's done you, or when that one person who drives you nuts is around, stop for a couple minutes, and start praying for them, and allow God to loosen the anger and dislike from your heart. Try it for a week, try it for a day, but try it. You might find that the results are absolutely, always, worth it.
Besides, how badly can a little obedience hurt?
~Fumble
But not, when I meet those few people, I can't stand them. And that, honestly, is a problem.
See, I'm called to love all people, regardless of my feelings about said people. And it's all well and good, so long as I happen to like those people. But what about those who injure me, physically or emotionally? What about that one person who gets under my skin like no one else? That one person that I feel justified to hate, just because they aren't the best example of humanity? Because we are all there at some point in our lives, and I'm sure I drive some people nuts. But still, there are those special people, the ones that go out of their way to make you miserable. They're not good people, so we shouldn't have to treat them better than they treat us, Golden Rule and all that, right?
Well, God has a pretty clear response to that line of thinking.
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reword will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, ans your heavenly Father is perfect."
~Matthew 5:43-48
Well, dang. So much for justifying my dislike. Ignoring them is one thing; I can usually handle that, but praying for4 them? And my own situation being so shallow, what of those who are truly persecuted across the world? They, more than anyone, ought to have the right to hate those who are attacking them. But to pray? It's more than they deserve, surely?
Well, the problem I've encountered is that it's not up to me to decide whether or not they deserve mercy and compassion. As much as I may feel justified, the state of another's eternal soul is out of my hands. I'm not God (and thank God, I might add...everyone would be dead!), and their actions and choices are not my responsibility. Which is great. God hasn't saddled me with an obligation to keep track of all the wrongs committed by others.
Mine is not to question, but obey. Which means praying for those who do me wrong. Which is, you guessed it...not my favorite, but okaaayyyy, if you say so, God.
But here's the catch (and it's a good one): when I start to buckle down, grit my teeth, and earnestly start to pray, something changes. While I still may not particularly like that person, I start to see them with God's perspective, and it changes things. That person who was so rude to me the other day is suffering, from a lack of love, a lack of God, a lack of hope. I, in my complaining, am missing out on a work of change and restoration God desires me to pray and battle for in that person.
The truth is, I don't know what anyone's situation is, and to be offended by their conduct sinks me to a fleshly level that never brings forth any sort of goodness or life. And I don't want that. The world has given me nothing to be proud of. Nothing.
So here's my challenge, for myself, and for you. Instead of acting or reacting like you normally would, when you encounter someone who is less than kind to you, when you recall or can't get over a wrong someone's done you, or when that one person who drives you nuts is around, stop for a couple minutes, and start praying for them, and allow God to loosen the anger and dislike from your heart. Try it for a week, try it for a day, but try it. You might find that the results are absolutely, always, worth it.
Besides, how badly can a little obedience hurt?
~Fumble
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
I love you for sentimental reasons
Well now.
I haven't written much of anything for months. Maybe because I've been tired. Maybe because I work so much. Maybe because I'm afraid I don't write anything much worth reading. I've seen and read so much loveliness, and I'm ashamed of myself, my own banality.
Which is silly. I've come this far, surpassed myself in so many ways. I shouldn't be cowed, but encouraged.
But I've been cleaning house. Doing the dangerous deed of sorting through what I've collected in nearly twenty-two years, and throwing away bits of my past.
An awful drawing. A scribble of word on a page. Frustrations I used to have, wishes I used to make, hopes I used to hold. One by one, laid on the throw pule. Laid, because crumpling them up and throwing is still too painful.
Who was she, the me of six years ago? The cripplingly shy social outcast who told herself it didn't matter? Because it doesn't--not much, at least. Not enough to wish I could do it over. But why do those days seem so much simpler?
"Why does the past always seem safer?
Maybe because at least we know we made it..."
~Chris Rice, "8th Grade"
I think that's it right there, but I wish I could convince myself that tomorrow is just as important, even if it isn't safe, or even guaranteed.
Today clings to me, though. Its fingers are those of regret and emptiness. They're usually worst around 11:53 pm, when tomorrow is finally reaching out for me, promising that it'll be different, and new.
It is a strange thing, to know, but not to be convicted and convinced by that knowledge. To be renewed in my mind and transformed from glory to glory seems too good to be true, and yet I desperately need for it to be so.
God help me, in my weak, emotional, human estate. I need and crave the newness You endow. I am so much more than poor, but I am lowly, and dim in spirit. I crave Your Spirit as the barren ground craves rain and growth. I want to grow, to become more than what I am, bit the attainment of such a state is so far beyond me, I can scarcely relinquish my doubt.
Be my light, incomprehensible by darkness, infinite and everlasting.
~Fumble
I haven't written much of anything for months. Maybe because I've been tired. Maybe because I work so much. Maybe because I'm afraid I don't write anything much worth reading. I've seen and read so much loveliness, and I'm ashamed of myself, my own banality.
Which is silly. I've come this far, surpassed myself in so many ways. I shouldn't be cowed, but encouraged.
But I've been cleaning house. Doing the dangerous deed of sorting through what I've collected in nearly twenty-two years, and throwing away bits of my past.
An awful drawing. A scribble of word on a page. Frustrations I used to have, wishes I used to make, hopes I used to hold. One by one, laid on the throw pule. Laid, because crumpling them up and throwing is still too painful.
Who was she, the me of six years ago? The cripplingly shy social outcast who told herself it didn't matter? Because it doesn't--not much, at least. Not enough to wish I could do it over. But why do those days seem so much simpler?
"Why does the past always seem safer?
Maybe because at least we know we made it..."
~Chris Rice, "8th Grade"
I think that's it right there, but I wish I could convince myself that tomorrow is just as important, even if it isn't safe, or even guaranteed.
Today clings to me, though. Its fingers are those of regret and emptiness. They're usually worst around 11:53 pm, when tomorrow is finally reaching out for me, promising that it'll be different, and new.
It is a strange thing, to know, but not to be convicted and convinced by that knowledge. To be renewed in my mind and transformed from glory to glory seems too good to be true, and yet I desperately need for it to be so.
God help me, in my weak, emotional, human estate. I need and crave the newness You endow. I am so much more than poor, but I am lowly, and dim in spirit. I crave Your Spirit as the barren ground craves rain and growth. I want to grow, to become more than what I am, bit the attainment of such a state is so far beyond me, I can scarcely relinquish my doubt.
Be my light, incomprehensible by darkness, infinite and everlasting.
~Fumble
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Notions and Intentions
I've never thought of myself as an overly romantic person. Sure, I have some little ideas of what I'd love, but the Bride of Christ paradigm has never meant the same thing to me that it means to so many others. Actually, to be honest, it really bothers me when people are really into it and are 'lovesick.' It reminds me too much of how the world does things, how it's all in the dreaming and never in the reality. Life has been too harsh to me for me to really believe in fairytale endings and happily-ever-afters. I'd like to, but I know better.
Which is not to say that Jesus coming won't be amazing and awe-inspiringly beautiful. I long for that day like no other. It's just that, until that day, I don't want to live my life 'waiting' for Jesus as the bridegroom. I don't want to wait for His glory to fall; I want to live it. I don't know the time, and I don't know the day, but I want to live as if it doesn't matter when that day comes, because I know that I am doing what He wants me to, and that I am fulfilling my purpose for as long as I am on this earth.
I don't want to wait for that day as if it's the only thing I have to look forward to. I want to wait as one who is eager to see the culmination of a life's work - of many lives' work. To see the longing of many hearts fulfilled, to see His kingdom come.
That is infinitely more important to me than dreaming of Jesus as a lover. I want to love Him so much more than emotionally. There's so much more to it than that, even if that is the part that feels the best. I just can't shake that being a bride is more than just the physical and emotional aspect. A bride isn't preparing for just a wedding. She's preparing for a life together with and faithful to that one person. She is preparing for the reality of marriage; she is preparing for one of the most difficult things a human being can undertake. It takes self-sacrifice, it takes painstaking care, it takes. Marriage requires much. The blessings are great, and wonderful, but behind each one is so much work, devotion, and conflict.
That is the reality. It's a difficult one, but it's the most beautiful one of all. Nothing worth doing is going to be easy. It's because it's not easy that it's so worth it. You will get out what you put into it. If you only want the emotional love of a Savior, that's what you'll get. But if you want the changed life, if you want the amazing grace, the peace that passes understanding, it's going to require more of you than you ever thought.
The gift of eternal salvation is free. The gift comes at great cost, to Jesus. In the end, I think we decide what it costs of ourselves. Is it a cost, or a willing sacrifice? Jesus won't force us to change. He offers, but it's our choice to accept it or leave it.
The bridal paradigm is so often a shallow view of Jesus. There's so much more to it; it's so much bigger and deeper than a emotional or even a sexual (God forbid, but I have run across this) thing. I wish we didn't miss this. I wish I didn't skim over it so often, or just reject it completely.
We're all works in progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst perpetrator, and the slowest to learn these things. I judge too much, and participate too little. I'm learning to let go and ignore the things that bother me, but I'm not there yet. I think so little of myself. Others do, too, but the worst is that I do it, too. I put myself down. I hold myself back.
But I'm learning to change. Little by little, step by step, with His help. It's the only way I'm moving forward, holding tightly to His hand and trying to believe that He's putting my feet in high places.
The call to be the bride isn't easy. It may be the most difficult decision I ever make.
But it is so, so much more than a romantic notion.
Thank God.
~Fumble
Which is not to say that Jesus coming won't be amazing and awe-inspiringly beautiful. I long for that day like no other. It's just that, until that day, I don't want to live my life 'waiting' for Jesus as the bridegroom. I don't want to wait for His glory to fall; I want to live it. I don't know the time, and I don't know the day, but I want to live as if it doesn't matter when that day comes, because I know that I am doing what He wants me to, and that I am fulfilling my purpose for as long as I am on this earth.
I don't want to wait for that day as if it's the only thing I have to look forward to. I want to wait as one who is eager to see the culmination of a life's work - of many lives' work. To see the longing of many hearts fulfilled, to see His kingdom come.
That is infinitely more important to me than dreaming of Jesus as a lover. I want to love Him so much more than emotionally. There's so much more to it than that, even if that is the part that feels the best. I just can't shake that being a bride is more than just the physical and emotional aspect. A bride isn't preparing for just a wedding. She's preparing for a life together with and faithful to that one person. She is preparing for the reality of marriage; she is preparing for one of the most difficult things a human being can undertake. It takes self-sacrifice, it takes painstaking care, it takes. Marriage requires much. The blessings are great, and wonderful, but behind each one is so much work, devotion, and conflict.
That is the reality. It's a difficult one, but it's the most beautiful one of all. Nothing worth doing is going to be easy. It's because it's not easy that it's so worth it. You will get out what you put into it. If you only want the emotional love of a Savior, that's what you'll get. But if you want the changed life, if you want the amazing grace, the peace that passes understanding, it's going to require more of you than you ever thought.
The gift of eternal salvation is free. The gift comes at great cost, to Jesus. In the end, I think we decide what it costs of ourselves. Is it a cost, or a willing sacrifice? Jesus won't force us to change. He offers, but it's our choice to accept it or leave it.
The bridal paradigm is so often a shallow view of Jesus. There's so much more to it; it's so much bigger and deeper than a emotional or even a sexual (God forbid, but I have run across this) thing. I wish we didn't miss this. I wish I didn't skim over it so often, or just reject it completely.
We're all works in progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst perpetrator, and the slowest to learn these things. I judge too much, and participate too little. I'm learning to let go and ignore the things that bother me, but I'm not there yet. I think so little of myself. Others do, too, but the worst is that I do it, too. I put myself down. I hold myself back.
But I'm learning to change. Little by little, step by step, with His help. It's the only way I'm moving forward, holding tightly to His hand and trying to believe that He's putting my feet in high places.
The call to be the bride isn't easy. It may be the most difficult decision I ever make.
But it is so, so much more than a romantic notion.
Thank God.
~Fumble
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
In Sickness and In Health
"I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have
and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer,
for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."
Sometimes I think those vows mean more during sickness. I mean, it's easy enough to be a Good, God-Following, Holy Person when life is easy, and you're in the pink of health. When you're kneeling before the porcelain throne begging for it all to end? Not so much.
Which was where I was most of Monday, from 6:30 until 11:00. I woke up fine, started feeling queasy, and made a command decision halfway to the train station that I wouldn't be going to school that day. Good decision, too - otherwise, I would have been spilling my guts (quite literally, too) on the bus, if not the train.
The irritating thing about sickness is that it's inconvenient. While you're curled up in fetal position, massaging your errant stomach, life outside is going by like normal, and you end up missing out on it.
Which is not to mention that it's also painful. Incredibly painful. Particularly when you already have nothing in your stomach, and feel the ever-increasing need to relieve your stomach of that imagined burden. Heh. I spent a lot of time asking God to either make it stop or take me to heaven now, because when you're in the middle of sickness, it's nearly impossible to see the end. Even if that end is only a day away, you can't fathom it. You know that, yes, this too shall pass, but something in you is quailing, wondering how long a minute can stretch out, and how long this horrible pain could last, and maybe, possibly, it might never end.
I find that being in a dry season of my life is a lot like that. Because I'm in the middle of it, I can't see around the corner, and that discourages me to no end. I want, oh, I so desperately want to be going somewhere, and achieving my destiny (whatever that may be), and finally getting there. I often forget that the journey is as important, if not more so, than arriving. That doesn't make the goal any less important or worthy, but what about the character that is built on the way? It doesn't happen overnight. You don't suddenly make a decision to save a life; it is the result of a lifetime of decisions that reflect the same attitude and values that you have displayed, maybe even only for a second.
It's the life behind the scenes that prepares the way for the life that everyone else sees. It is the journey that makes the goal so important. It's not the depths to which you've fallen, but the height to which Jesus has brought you. If you only ever see life as a series of negative events, you're missing the entire point of "for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in health." Anyone can do good things when they are in a good part of their life; they can pursue God and do great things. It's when they're in the worst, most rotten, lowest part of their lives, that the true nature of their relationship with God comes forth. It's when you're sick that those vows matter the most.
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 3:13-14
Does Paul mean forgetting everything? Because humans don't exactly forget things; the mind is a little trickier than that. But what if he is talking about something a little more than mental forgetting? What if, really, he's saying that, in order to press forward, we need to stop letting the past hurts and horrible things effect us?
I think of it this way: I have a lot of past memories of hurtful things, but they don't hurt anymore. They have lost their effect on me for the simple reason that they are in the past. Most of that has been God's doing - because he gives me the ability to forgive, and move on. Some things take longer than others - healing isn't always a sudden thing. Sometimes, the most important healings in our lives are processes. When a wound is deep, you can't band-aid it over and hope for it to heal. Oftentimes, it has to be opened, and reopened, many times, because it must heal from the inside out. Otherwise, infection takes hold and can spread, devastating the body and sometimes ending in death. A wound can eat you alive, from the inside out, if you won't let God begin to deal with it. It's like the root of bitterness that takes hold and spreads, like creeping charlie; once it invades your lawn, it is nigh-on impossible to remove.
This is not to say that I have arrived in the least - I am still working through some wounds with God. In fact, I think I could safely say that the majority of [my] life is working through wounds with Him. I've got such grubby fingers - I don't like letting go of things. Even now, in some situations in my life, I hold too tightly, either to a person or thing, or to my anger or judgement. Injustice makes me angry like nothing else. But I am realizing that my anger usually accomplishes nothing. It always ends up hurting me, one way or another.
So yes. I am learning to let go. Also, I'm learning the sickness part of the vow - both literally and figuratively.
('Cause, you know me. I don't like to do things in half-measures.)
Exercising: I did situps and pushups on either Saturday or Sunday (apologies; I can't remember), but I haven't done anything since Monday, when I got sick. The stomach area is still really tender, but I'll get back to it when I can.
Be encouraged!
~Fumble
P.S. Listen to this - it's good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4vhmY5FMSs
Sometimes I think those vows mean more during sickness. I mean, it's easy enough to be a Good, God-Following, Holy Person when life is easy, and you're in the pink of health. When you're kneeling before the porcelain throne begging for it all to end? Not so much.
Which was where I was most of Monday, from 6:30 until 11:00. I woke up fine, started feeling queasy, and made a command decision halfway to the train station that I wouldn't be going to school that day. Good decision, too - otherwise, I would have been spilling my guts (quite literally, too) on the bus, if not the train.
The irritating thing about sickness is that it's inconvenient. While you're curled up in fetal position, massaging your errant stomach, life outside is going by like normal, and you end up missing out on it.
Which is not to mention that it's also painful. Incredibly painful. Particularly when you already have nothing in your stomach, and feel the ever-increasing need to relieve your stomach of that imagined burden. Heh. I spent a lot of time asking God to either make it stop or take me to heaven now, because when you're in the middle of sickness, it's nearly impossible to see the end. Even if that end is only a day away, you can't fathom it. You know that, yes, this too shall pass, but something in you is quailing, wondering how long a minute can stretch out, and how long this horrible pain could last, and maybe, possibly, it might never end.
I find that being in a dry season of my life is a lot like that. Because I'm in the middle of it, I can't see around the corner, and that discourages me to no end. I want, oh, I so desperately want to be going somewhere, and achieving my destiny (whatever that may be), and finally getting there. I often forget that the journey is as important, if not more so, than arriving. That doesn't make the goal any less important or worthy, but what about the character that is built on the way? It doesn't happen overnight. You don't suddenly make a decision to save a life; it is the result of a lifetime of decisions that reflect the same attitude and values that you have displayed, maybe even only for a second.
It's the life behind the scenes that prepares the way for the life that everyone else sees. It is the journey that makes the goal so important. It's not the depths to which you've fallen, but the height to which Jesus has brought you. If you only ever see life as a series of negative events, you're missing the entire point of "for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in health." Anyone can do good things when they are in a good part of their life; they can pursue God and do great things. It's when they're in the worst, most rotten, lowest part of their lives, that the true nature of their relationship with God comes forth. It's when you're sick that those vows matter the most.
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 3:13-14
Does Paul mean forgetting everything? Because humans don't exactly forget things; the mind is a little trickier than that. But what if he is talking about something a little more than mental forgetting? What if, really, he's saying that, in order to press forward, we need to stop letting the past hurts and horrible things effect us?
I think of it this way: I have a lot of past memories of hurtful things, but they don't hurt anymore. They have lost their effect on me for the simple reason that they are in the past. Most of that has been God's doing - because he gives me the ability to forgive, and move on. Some things take longer than others - healing isn't always a sudden thing. Sometimes, the most important healings in our lives are processes. When a wound is deep, you can't band-aid it over and hope for it to heal. Oftentimes, it has to be opened, and reopened, many times, because it must heal from the inside out. Otherwise, infection takes hold and can spread, devastating the body and sometimes ending in death. A wound can eat you alive, from the inside out, if you won't let God begin to deal with it. It's like the root of bitterness that takes hold and spreads, like creeping charlie; once it invades your lawn, it is nigh-on impossible to remove.
This is not to say that I have arrived in the least - I am still working through some wounds with God. In fact, I think I could safely say that the majority of [my] life is working through wounds with Him. I've got such grubby fingers - I don't like letting go of things. Even now, in some situations in my life, I hold too tightly, either to a person or thing, or to my anger or judgement. Injustice makes me angry like nothing else. But I am realizing that my anger usually accomplishes nothing. It always ends up hurting me, one way or another.
So yes. I am learning to let go. Also, I'm learning the sickness part of the vow - both literally and figuratively.
('Cause, you know me. I don't like to do things in half-measures.)
Exercising: I did situps and pushups on either Saturday or Sunday (apologies; I can't remember), but I haven't done anything since Monday, when I got sick. The stomach area is still really tender, but I'll get back to it when I can.
Be encouraged!
~Fumble
P.S. Listen to this - it's good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4vhmY5FMSs
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A Lament and a Blessing
Isn't it funny, how when we get discouraged, food is one of the first things we run to for comfort? At least, I do. I'm upset? Hurry, go and get something good to eat. Because, somehow, that's supposed to make me feel better about myself, even though by giving into my craving for food, I'm actually making it worse, and I will feel horrible about it immediately after.
It's a vicious cycle. And, until it's interrupted with something that really fills that cavern of confusion, it's going to continue.
One of my goals is to begin filling that void with scripture. I'm certain that it won't be easy, but nothing worth doing is easy. The next time that horrible feeling comes over me, I won't run to the fridge and find something that will 'comfort' me. I will run to my Bible, and beg God to fill me. Believe me, it's less humiliating to ask God to fill me than to give into an unhealthy idol of food.
At any rate, as you can see, yesterday wasn't as successful as I would have liked. I had plans for exercise, and I didn't mean to have a late-night snack. I failed. And that breaks my heart, but if I stopped trying every time my heart hurts, every time I have emotions, my life would be a culmination of failures. I don't want to give up at the first step. Besides, I have hope!
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23
What a promise - that every morning, we can start over; we can try again, and even if we fail, His mercy won't. Even in the depths of lamenting over Jerusalem, Jeremiah can find evidence of God's mercy, of His goodness. In the pit of despair, if we can find something to rejoice in, if we can still proclaim that God is good, that - that is the most beautiful praise. If He is our foundation, if we can only but trust in Him, then nothing else that happens will matter.
I'm still learning this. Sometimes, I don't want to believe that God is good. There is a part of me that wants to say, "Hah! God isn't good; I knew it! He's not as perfect as He says He is!"
Sometimes, I want to believe that God is as miserably human as the rest of us, that He makes mistakes, so that I can blame my failures on Him.
But it doesn't work that way. He doesn't work that way. We aren't merely sinners in the hands of an angry God. It is so, so much more than that. It's more than I even know, or can explain. While there is that errant part of my soul, there's another part. One that whispers, while the other part is belligerent, but tells the truth.
A part that asks, "What about all that God has done for you?"
What about the car accident I had less than a year ago? What about my life, saved, because His Holy Spirit prompted me to speed up? That little bit of speed caused the other car to hit me behind the driver's side door, instead of directly where I was. I would not be here if it wasn't for that - God's goodness, His prompting.
What about all the good things He has given me? What about the immediate family that I have, 32 people, and not a one of them is dead. How often do you think that happens? That there is no direct trauma in a family in the 40 years that it has been around? What a blessing.
What about the school that I am in, that I will graduate from with only 10,000 dollars of debt - which I will be able to easily pay off. What about the things He's given to me that seem small, silly. The books, the objects?
What about the friends that He's put in my life? The people that have made such an impact on me? Where would I be without them?
Where would I be without God?
Sometimes I can barely understand how I can be so ungrateful, how I can believe that God isn't good, that He hasn't planned good things for me. What's wrong with me?
The human condition, I think. I would like to forget the good and focus on the bad, so I can blame God, but I'm finding that it doesn't really work like that. Not anymore.
I'm finding more and more, as people fail me, that God is the only constant.
And, really, that's how it should be.
Exercised: 20 minutes of karate drills, 15 situps, 15 pushups
~Fumble
It's a vicious cycle. And, until it's interrupted with something that really fills that cavern of confusion, it's going to continue.
One of my goals is to begin filling that void with scripture. I'm certain that it won't be easy, but nothing worth doing is easy. The next time that horrible feeling comes over me, I won't run to the fridge and find something that will 'comfort' me. I will run to my Bible, and beg God to fill me. Believe me, it's less humiliating to ask God to fill me than to give into an unhealthy idol of food.
At any rate, as you can see, yesterday wasn't as successful as I would have liked. I had plans for exercise, and I didn't mean to have a late-night snack. I failed. And that breaks my heart, but if I stopped trying every time my heart hurts, every time I have emotions, my life would be a culmination of failures. I don't want to give up at the first step. Besides, I have hope!
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23
What a promise - that every morning, we can start over; we can try again, and even if we fail, His mercy won't. Even in the depths of lamenting over Jerusalem, Jeremiah can find evidence of God's mercy, of His goodness. In the pit of despair, if we can find something to rejoice in, if we can still proclaim that God is good, that - that is the most beautiful praise. If He is our foundation, if we can only but trust in Him, then nothing else that happens will matter.
I'm still learning this. Sometimes, I don't want to believe that God is good. There is a part of me that wants to say, "Hah! God isn't good; I knew it! He's not as perfect as He says He is!"
Sometimes, I want to believe that God is as miserably human as the rest of us, that He makes mistakes, so that I can blame my failures on Him.
But it doesn't work that way. He doesn't work that way. We aren't merely sinners in the hands of an angry God. It is so, so much more than that. It's more than I even know, or can explain. While there is that errant part of my soul, there's another part. One that whispers, while the other part is belligerent, but tells the truth.
A part that asks, "What about all that God has done for you?"
What about the car accident I had less than a year ago? What about my life, saved, because His Holy Spirit prompted me to speed up? That little bit of speed caused the other car to hit me behind the driver's side door, instead of directly where I was. I would not be here if it wasn't for that - God's goodness, His prompting.
What about all the good things He has given me? What about the immediate family that I have, 32 people, and not a one of them is dead. How often do you think that happens? That there is no direct trauma in a family in the 40 years that it has been around? What a blessing.
What about the school that I am in, that I will graduate from with only 10,000 dollars of debt - which I will be able to easily pay off. What about the things He's given to me that seem small, silly. The books, the objects?
What about the friends that He's put in my life? The people that have made such an impact on me? Where would I be without them?
Where would I be without God?
Sometimes I can barely understand how I can be so ungrateful, how I can believe that God isn't good, that He hasn't planned good things for me. What's wrong with me?
The human condition, I think. I would like to forget the good and focus on the bad, so I can blame God, but I'm finding that it doesn't really work like that. Not anymore.
I'm finding more and more, as people fail me, that God is the only constant.
And, really, that's how it should be.
Exercised: 20 minutes of karate drills, 15 situps, 15 pushups
~Fumble
Friday, February 7, 2014
The Skinny
Here's the skinny.
I am not.
And that's unhealthy. I want to be healthy, not only for myself, but to glorify God. If my body is His temple, then it needs to be treated with respect and well-taken care of. Which means...
I need to change! And change doesn't happen on my own. The only change that will last is what God does in my life. Which is why this effort isn't merely mine; there is a God that is helping me, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute.
Helping me what, you ask?
Helping me say no. No to food that I don't need, no to comforting myself with a physical thing that doesn't satisfy, no to medicating my pain with calories.
Helping me say yes. Yes to Him, first and foremost. Yes to eating healthily, yes to exercising, and yes to taking care of myself as well as my family; particularly my parents.
It's time for me to step up and be honest and truthful. It's time for me to step up and become a pillar in His house, an oak of righteousness.
So, really, this is more than a weight loss blog. It's more than a day-by-day picture of my life, what I eat, and what I try to do. It's more than a measure of my successes, and even, occasionally, my failures.
It's a measure of the goodness that He does in me. It's a testament to the fact that I am changing, being transformed from glory to glory into His servant, His likeness.
You see, I've found my Hero.
You're welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe you will be encouraged yourself. Maybe you will find something to relate to. Maybe you fill find something to fight for, something to change for.
Maybe you'll find that God is so much more than you ever though.
Really, He's inviting you more than I ever could.
But I'll be here, doing this. Here's the beginning:
Weight: 268.5
Exercised: Running after kids for a while.
Here's to trusting God.
Because some way, somehow, He doesn't despise small beginnings. He even takes pleasure in them. He delights in us every time we make a decision to begin. Mother Theresa said that "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
That's my goal.
~Fumble
I am not.
And that's unhealthy. I want to be healthy, not only for myself, but to glorify God. If my body is His temple, then it needs to be treated with respect and well-taken care of. Which means...
I need to change! And change doesn't happen on my own. The only change that will last is what God does in my life. Which is why this effort isn't merely mine; there is a God that is helping me, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute.
Helping me what, you ask?
Helping me say no. No to food that I don't need, no to comforting myself with a physical thing that doesn't satisfy, no to medicating my pain with calories.
Helping me say yes. Yes to Him, first and foremost. Yes to eating healthily, yes to exercising, and yes to taking care of myself as well as my family; particularly my parents.
It's time for me to step up and be honest and truthful. It's time for me to step up and become a pillar in His house, an oak of righteousness.
So, really, this is more than a weight loss blog. It's more than a day-by-day picture of my life, what I eat, and what I try to do. It's more than a measure of my successes, and even, occasionally, my failures.
It's a measure of the goodness that He does in me. It's a testament to the fact that I am changing, being transformed from glory to glory into His servant, His likeness.
You see, I've found my Hero.
You're welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe you will be encouraged yourself. Maybe you will find something to relate to. Maybe you fill find something to fight for, something to change for.
Maybe you'll find that God is so much more than you ever though.
Really, He's inviting you more than I ever could.
But I'll be here, doing this. Here's the beginning:
Weight: 268.5
Exercised: Running after kids for a while.
Here's to trusting God.
Because some way, somehow, He doesn't despise small beginnings. He even takes pleasure in them. He delights in us every time we make a decision to begin. Mother Theresa said that "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
That's my goal.
~Fumble
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)