I've never thought of myself as an overly romantic person. Sure, I have some little ideas of what I'd love, but the Bride of Christ paradigm has never meant the same thing to me that it means to so many others. Actually, to be honest, it really bothers me when people are really into it and are 'lovesick.' It reminds me too much of how the world does things, how it's all in the dreaming and never in the reality. Life has been too harsh to me for me to really believe in fairytale endings and happily-ever-afters. I'd like to, but I know better.
Which is not to say that Jesus coming won't be amazing and awe-inspiringly beautiful. I long for that day like no other. It's just that, until that day, I don't want to live my life 'waiting' for Jesus as the bridegroom. I don't want to wait for His glory to fall; I want to live it. I don't know the time, and I don't know the day, but I want to live as if it doesn't matter when that day comes, because I know that I am doing what He wants me to, and that I am fulfilling my purpose for as long as I am on this earth.
I don't want to wait for that day as if it's the only thing I have to look forward to. I want to wait as one who is eager to see the culmination of a life's work - of many lives' work. To see the longing of many hearts fulfilled, to see His kingdom come.
That is infinitely more important to me than dreaming of Jesus as a lover. I want to love Him so much more than emotionally. There's so much more to it than that, even if that is the part that feels the best. I just can't shake that being a bride is more than just the physical and emotional aspect. A bride isn't preparing for just a wedding. She's preparing for a life together with and faithful to that one person. She is preparing for the reality of marriage; she is preparing for one of the most difficult things a human being can undertake. It takes self-sacrifice, it takes painstaking care, it takes. Marriage requires much. The blessings are great, and wonderful, but behind each one is so much work, devotion, and conflict.
That is the reality. It's a difficult one, but it's the most beautiful one of all. Nothing worth doing is going to be easy. It's because it's not easy that it's so worth it. You will get out what you put into it. If you only want the emotional love of a Savior, that's what you'll get. But if you want the changed life, if you want the amazing grace, the peace that passes understanding, it's going to require more of you than you ever thought.
The gift of eternal salvation is free. The gift comes at great cost, to Jesus. In the end, I think we decide what it costs of ourselves. Is it a cost, or a willing sacrifice? Jesus won't force us to change. He offers, but it's our choice to accept it or leave it.
The bridal paradigm is so often a shallow view of Jesus. There's so much more to it; it's so much bigger and deeper than a emotional or even a sexual (God forbid, but I have run across this) thing. I wish we didn't miss this. I wish I didn't skim over it so often, or just reject it completely.
We're all works in progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst perpetrator, and the slowest to learn these things. I judge too much, and participate too little. I'm learning to let go and ignore the things that bother me, but I'm not there yet. I think so little of myself. Others do, too, but the worst is that I do it, too. I put myself down. I hold myself back.
But I'm learning to change. Little by little, step by step, with His help. It's the only way I'm moving forward, holding tightly to His hand and trying to believe that He's putting my feet in high places.
The call to be the bride isn't easy. It may be the most difficult decision I ever make.
But it is so, so much more than a romantic notion.
Thank God.
~Fumble
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
In Sickness and In Health
"I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have
and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer,
for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."
Sometimes I think those vows mean more during sickness. I mean, it's easy enough to be a Good, God-Following, Holy Person when life is easy, and you're in the pink of health. When you're kneeling before the porcelain throne begging for it all to end? Not so much.
Which was where I was most of Monday, from 6:30 until 11:00. I woke up fine, started feeling queasy, and made a command decision halfway to the train station that I wouldn't be going to school that day. Good decision, too - otherwise, I would have been spilling my guts (quite literally, too) on the bus, if not the train.
The irritating thing about sickness is that it's inconvenient. While you're curled up in fetal position, massaging your errant stomach, life outside is going by like normal, and you end up missing out on it.
Which is not to mention that it's also painful. Incredibly painful. Particularly when you already have nothing in your stomach, and feel the ever-increasing need to relieve your stomach of that imagined burden. Heh. I spent a lot of time asking God to either make it stop or take me to heaven now, because when you're in the middle of sickness, it's nearly impossible to see the end. Even if that end is only a day away, you can't fathom it. You know that, yes, this too shall pass, but something in you is quailing, wondering how long a minute can stretch out, and how long this horrible pain could last, and maybe, possibly, it might never end.
I find that being in a dry season of my life is a lot like that. Because I'm in the middle of it, I can't see around the corner, and that discourages me to no end. I want, oh, I so desperately want to be going somewhere, and achieving my destiny (whatever that may be), and finally getting there. I often forget that the journey is as important, if not more so, than arriving. That doesn't make the goal any less important or worthy, but what about the character that is built on the way? It doesn't happen overnight. You don't suddenly make a decision to save a life; it is the result of a lifetime of decisions that reflect the same attitude and values that you have displayed, maybe even only for a second.
It's the life behind the scenes that prepares the way for the life that everyone else sees. It is the journey that makes the goal so important. It's not the depths to which you've fallen, but the height to which Jesus has brought you. If you only ever see life as a series of negative events, you're missing the entire point of "for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in health." Anyone can do good things when they are in a good part of their life; they can pursue God and do great things. It's when they're in the worst, most rotten, lowest part of their lives, that the true nature of their relationship with God comes forth. It's when you're sick that those vows matter the most.
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 3:13-14
Does Paul mean forgetting everything? Because humans don't exactly forget things; the mind is a little trickier than that. But what if he is talking about something a little more than mental forgetting? What if, really, he's saying that, in order to press forward, we need to stop letting the past hurts and horrible things effect us?
I think of it this way: I have a lot of past memories of hurtful things, but they don't hurt anymore. They have lost their effect on me for the simple reason that they are in the past. Most of that has been God's doing - because he gives me the ability to forgive, and move on. Some things take longer than others - healing isn't always a sudden thing. Sometimes, the most important healings in our lives are processes. When a wound is deep, you can't band-aid it over and hope for it to heal. Oftentimes, it has to be opened, and reopened, many times, because it must heal from the inside out. Otherwise, infection takes hold and can spread, devastating the body and sometimes ending in death. A wound can eat you alive, from the inside out, if you won't let God begin to deal with it. It's like the root of bitterness that takes hold and spreads, like creeping charlie; once it invades your lawn, it is nigh-on impossible to remove.
This is not to say that I have arrived in the least - I am still working through some wounds with God. In fact, I think I could safely say that the majority of [my] life is working through wounds with Him. I've got such grubby fingers - I don't like letting go of things. Even now, in some situations in my life, I hold too tightly, either to a person or thing, or to my anger or judgement. Injustice makes me angry like nothing else. But I am realizing that my anger usually accomplishes nothing. It always ends up hurting me, one way or another.
So yes. I am learning to let go. Also, I'm learning the sickness part of the vow - both literally and figuratively.
('Cause, you know me. I don't like to do things in half-measures.)
Exercising: I did situps and pushups on either Saturday or Sunday (apologies; I can't remember), but I haven't done anything since Monday, when I got sick. The stomach area is still really tender, but I'll get back to it when I can.
Be encouraged!
~Fumble
P.S. Listen to this - it's good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4vhmY5FMSs
Sometimes I think those vows mean more during sickness. I mean, it's easy enough to be a Good, God-Following, Holy Person when life is easy, and you're in the pink of health. When you're kneeling before the porcelain throne begging for it all to end? Not so much.
Which was where I was most of Monday, from 6:30 until 11:00. I woke up fine, started feeling queasy, and made a command decision halfway to the train station that I wouldn't be going to school that day. Good decision, too - otherwise, I would have been spilling my guts (quite literally, too) on the bus, if not the train.
The irritating thing about sickness is that it's inconvenient. While you're curled up in fetal position, massaging your errant stomach, life outside is going by like normal, and you end up missing out on it.
Which is not to mention that it's also painful. Incredibly painful. Particularly when you already have nothing in your stomach, and feel the ever-increasing need to relieve your stomach of that imagined burden. Heh. I spent a lot of time asking God to either make it stop or take me to heaven now, because when you're in the middle of sickness, it's nearly impossible to see the end. Even if that end is only a day away, you can't fathom it. You know that, yes, this too shall pass, but something in you is quailing, wondering how long a minute can stretch out, and how long this horrible pain could last, and maybe, possibly, it might never end.
I find that being in a dry season of my life is a lot like that. Because I'm in the middle of it, I can't see around the corner, and that discourages me to no end. I want, oh, I so desperately want to be going somewhere, and achieving my destiny (whatever that may be), and finally getting there. I often forget that the journey is as important, if not more so, than arriving. That doesn't make the goal any less important or worthy, but what about the character that is built on the way? It doesn't happen overnight. You don't suddenly make a decision to save a life; it is the result of a lifetime of decisions that reflect the same attitude and values that you have displayed, maybe even only for a second.
It's the life behind the scenes that prepares the way for the life that everyone else sees. It is the journey that makes the goal so important. It's not the depths to which you've fallen, but the height to which Jesus has brought you. If you only ever see life as a series of negative events, you're missing the entire point of "for richer, for poorer...in sickness and in health." Anyone can do good things when they are in a good part of their life; they can pursue God and do great things. It's when they're in the worst, most rotten, lowest part of their lives, that the true nature of their relationship with God comes forth. It's when you're sick that those vows matter the most.
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 3:13-14
Does Paul mean forgetting everything? Because humans don't exactly forget things; the mind is a little trickier than that. But what if he is talking about something a little more than mental forgetting? What if, really, he's saying that, in order to press forward, we need to stop letting the past hurts and horrible things effect us?
I think of it this way: I have a lot of past memories of hurtful things, but they don't hurt anymore. They have lost their effect on me for the simple reason that they are in the past. Most of that has been God's doing - because he gives me the ability to forgive, and move on. Some things take longer than others - healing isn't always a sudden thing. Sometimes, the most important healings in our lives are processes. When a wound is deep, you can't band-aid it over and hope for it to heal. Oftentimes, it has to be opened, and reopened, many times, because it must heal from the inside out. Otherwise, infection takes hold and can spread, devastating the body and sometimes ending in death. A wound can eat you alive, from the inside out, if you won't let God begin to deal with it. It's like the root of bitterness that takes hold and spreads, like creeping charlie; once it invades your lawn, it is nigh-on impossible to remove.
This is not to say that I have arrived in the least - I am still working through some wounds with God. In fact, I think I could safely say that the majority of [my] life is working through wounds with Him. I've got such grubby fingers - I don't like letting go of things. Even now, in some situations in my life, I hold too tightly, either to a person or thing, or to my anger or judgement. Injustice makes me angry like nothing else. But I am realizing that my anger usually accomplishes nothing. It always ends up hurting me, one way or another.
So yes. I am learning to let go. Also, I'm learning the sickness part of the vow - both literally and figuratively.
('Cause, you know me. I don't like to do things in half-measures.)
Exercising: I did situps and pushups on either Saturday or Sunday (apologies; I can't remember), but I haven't done anything since Monday, when I got sick. The stomach area is still really tender, but I'll get back to it when I can.
Be encouraged!
~Fumble
P.S. Listen to this - it's good: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4vhmY5FMSs
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A Lament and a Blessing
Isn't it funny, how when we get discouraged, food is one of the first things we run to for comfort? At least, I do. I'm upset? Hurry, go and get something good to eat. Because, somehow, that's supposed to make me feel better about myself, even though by giving into my craving for food, I'm actually making it worse, and I will feel horrible about it immediately after.
It's a vicious cycle. And, until it's interrupted with something that really fills that cavern of confusion, it's going to continue.
One of my goals is to begin filling that void with scripture. I'm certain that it won't be easy, but nothing worth doing is easy. The next time that horrible feeling comes over me, I won't run to the fridge and find something that will 'comfort' me. I will run to my Bible, and beg God to fill me. Believe me, it's less humiliating to ask God to fill me than to give into an unhealthy idol of food.
At any rate, as you can see, yesterday wasn't as successful as I would have liked. I had plans for exercise, and I didn't mean to have a late-night snack. I failed. And that breaks my heart, but if I stopped trying every time my heart hurts, every time I have emotions, my life would be a culmination of failures. I don't want to give up at the first step. Besides, I have hope!
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23
What a promise - that every morning, we can start over; we can try again, and even if we fail, His mercy won't. Even in the depths of lamenting over Jerusalem, Jeremiah can find evidence of God's mercy, of His goodness. In the pit of despair, if we can find something to rejoice in, if we can still proclaim that God is good, that - that is the most beautiful praise. If He is our foundation, if we can only but trust in Him, then nothing else that happens will matter.
I'm still learning this. Sometimes, I don't want to believe that God is good. There is a part of me that wants to say, "Hah! God isn't good; I knew it! He's not as perfect as He says He is!"
Sometimes, I want to believe that God is as miserably human as the rest of us, that He makes mistakes, so that I can blame my failures on Him.
But it doesn't work that way. He doesn't work that way. We aren't merely sinners in the hands of an angry God. It is so, so much more than that. It's more than I even know, or can explain. While there is that errant part of my soul, there's another part. One that whispers, while the other part is belligerent, but tells the truth.
A part that asks, "What about all that God has done for you?"
What about the car accident I had less than a year ago? What about my life, saved, because His Holy Spirit prompted me to speed up? That little bit of speed caused the other car to hit me behind the driver's side door, instead of directly where I was. I would not be here if it wasn't for that - God's goodness, His prompting.
What about all the good things He has given me? What about the immediate family that I have, 32 people, and not a one of them is dead. How often do you think that happens? That there is no direct trauma in a family in the 40 years that it has been around? What a blessing.
What about the school that I am in, that I will graduate from with only 10,000 dollars of debt - which I will be able to easily pay off. What about the things He's given to me that seem small, silly. The books, the objects?
What about the friends that He's put in my life? The people that have made such an impact on me? Where would I be without them?
Where would I be without God?
Sometimes I can barely understand how I can be so ungrateful, how I can believe that God isn't good, that He hasn't planned good things for me. What's wrong with me?
The human condition, I think. I would like to forget the good and focus on the bad, so I can blame God, but I'm finding that it doesn't really work like that. Not anymore.
I'm finding more and more, as people fail me, that God is the only constant.
And, really, that's how it should be.
Exercised: 20 minutes of karate drills, 15 situps, 15 pushups
~Fumble
It's a vicious cycle. And, until it's interrupted with something that really fills that cavern of confusion, it's going to continue.
One of my goals is to begin filling that void with scripture. I'm certain that it won't be easy, but nothing worth doing is easy. The next time that horrible feeling comes over me, I won't run to the fridge and find something that will 'comfort' me. I will run to my Bible, and beg God to fill me. Believe me, it's less humiliating to ask God to fill me than to give into an unhealthy idol of food.
At any rate, as you can see, yesterday wasn't as successful as I would have liked. I had plans for exercise, and I didn't mean to have a late-night snack. I failed. And that breaks my heart, but if I stopped trying every time my heart hurts, every time I have emotions, my life would be a culmination of failures. I don't want to give up at the first step. Besides, I have hope!
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23
What a promise - that every morning, we can start over; we can try again, and even if we fail, His mercy won't. Even in the depths of lamenting over Jerusalem, Jeremiah can find evidence of God's mercy, of His goodness. In the pit of despair, if we can find something to rejoice in, if we can still proclaim that God is good, that - that is the most beautiful praise. If He is our foundation, if we can only but trust in Him, then nothing else that happens will matter.
I'm still learning this. Sometimes, I don't want to believe that God is good. There is a part of me that wants to say, "Hah! God isn't good; I knew it! He's not as perfect as He says He is!"
Sometimes, I want to believe that God is as miserably human as the rest of us, that He makes mistakes, so that I can blame my failures on Him.
But it doesn't work that way. He doesn't work that way. We aren't merely sinners in the hands of an angry God. It is so, so much more than that. It's more than I even know, or can explain. While there is that errant part of my soul, there's another part. One that whispers, while the other part is belligerent, but tells the truth.
A part that asks, "What about all that God has done for you?"
What about the car accident I had less than a year ago? What about my life, saved, because His Holy Spirit prompted me to speed up? That little bit of speed caused the other car to hit me behind the driver's side door, instead of directly where I was. I would not be here if it wasn't for that - God's goodness, His prompting.
What about all the good things He has given me? What about the immediate family that I have, 32 people, and not a one of them is dead. How often do you think that happens? That there is no direct trauma in a family in the 40 years that it has been around? What a blessing.
What about the school that I am in, that I will graduate from with only 10,000 dollars of debt - which I will be able to easily pay off. What about the things He's given to me that seem small, silly. The books, the objects?
What about the friends that He's put in my life? The people that have made such an impact on me? Where would I be without them?
Where would I be without God?
Sometimes I can barely understand how I can be so ungrateful, how I can believe that God isn't good, that He hasn't planned good things for me. What's wrong with me?
The human condition, I think. I would like to forget the good and focus on the bad, so I can blame God, but I'm finding that it doesn't really work like that. Not anymore.
I'm finding more and more, as people fail me, that God is the only constant.
And, really, that's how it should be.
Exercised: 20 minutes of karate drills, 15 situps, 15 pushups
~Fumble
Friday, February 7, 2014
The Skinny
Here's the skinny.
I am not.
And that's unhealthy. I want to be healthy, not only for myself, but to glorify God. If my body is His temple, then it needs to be treated with respect and well-taken care of. Which means...
I need to change! And change doesn't happen on my own. The only change that will last is what God does in my life. Which is why this effort isn't merely mine; there is a God that is helping me, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute.
Helping me what, you ask?
Helping me say no. No to food that I don't need, no to comforting myself with a physical thing that doesn't satisfy, no to medicating my pain with calories.
Helping me say yes. Yes to Him, first and foremost. Yes to eating healthily, yes to exercising, and yes to taking care of myself as well as my family; particularly my parents.
It's time for me to step up and be honest and truthful. It's time for me to step up and become a pillar in His house, an oak of righteousness.
So, really, this is more than a weight loss blog. It's more than a day-by-day picture of my life, what I eat, and what I try to do. It's more than a measure of my successes, and even, occasionally, my failures.
It's a measure of the goodness that He does in me. It's a testament to the fact that I am changing, being transformed from glory to glory into His servant, His likeness.
You see, I've found my Hero.
You're welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe you will be encouraged yourself. Maybe you will find something to relate to. Maybe you fill find something to fight for, something to change for.
Maybe you'll find that God is so much more than you ever though.
Really, He's inviting you more than I ever could.
But I'll be here, doing this. Here's the beginning:
Weight: 268.5
Exercised: Running after kids for a while.
Here's to trusting God.
Because some way, somehow, He doesn't despise small beginnings. He even takes pleasure in them. He delights in us every time we make a decision to begin. Mother Theresa said that "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
That's my goal.
~Fumble
I am not.
And that's unhealthy. I want to be healthy, not only for myself, but to glorify God. If my body is His temple, then it needs to be treated with respect and well-taken care of. Which means...
I need to change! And change doesn't happen on my own. The only change that will last is what God does in my life. Which is why this effort isn't merely mine; there is a God that is helping me, day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute.
Helping me what, you ask?
Helping me say no. No to food that I don't need, no to comforting myself with a physical thing that doesn't satisfy, no to medicating my pain with calories.
Helping me say yes. Yes to Him, first and foremost. Yes to eating healthily, yes to exercising, and yes to taking care of myself as well as my family; particularly my parents.
It's time for me to step up and be honest and truthful. It's time for me to step up and become a pillar in His house, an oak of righteousness.
So, really, this is more than a weight loss blog. It's more than a day-by-day picture of my life, what I eat, and what I try to do. It's more than a measure of my successes, and even, occasionally, my failures.
It's a measure of the goodness that He does in me. It's a testament to the fact that I am changing, being transformed from glory to glory into His servant, His likeness.
You see, I've found my Hero.
You're welcome to come along for the ride. Maybe you will be encouraged yourself. Maybe you will find something to relate to. Maybe you fill find something to fight for, something to change for.
Maybe you'll find that God is so much more than you ever though.
Really, He's inviting you more than I ever could.
But I'll be here, doing this. Here's the beginning:
Weight: 268.5
Exercised: Running after kids for a while.
Here's to trusting God.
Because some way, somehow, He doesn't despise small beginnings. He even takes pleasure in them. He delights in us every time we make a decision to begin. Mother Theresa said that "Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
That's my goal.
~Fumble
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