Isn't it funny, how when we get discouraged, food is one of the first things we run to for comfort? At least, I do. I'm upset? Hurry, go and get something good to eat. Because, somehow, that's supposed to make me feel better about myself, even though by giving into my craving for food, I'm actually making it worse, and I will feel horrible about it immediately after.
It's a vicious cycle. And, until it's interrupted with something that really fills that cavern of confusion, it's going to continue.
One of my goals is to begin filling that void with scripture. I'm certain that it won't be easy, but nothing worth doing is easy. The next time that horrible feeling comes over me, I won't run to the fridge and find something that will 'comfort' me. I will run to my Bible, and beg God to fill me. Believe me, it's less humiliating to ask God to fill me than to give into an unhealthy idol of food.
At any rate, as you can see, yesterday wasn't as successful as I would have liked. I had plans for exercise, and I didn't mean to have a late-night snack. I failed. And that breaks my heart, but if I stopped trying every time my heart hurts, every time I have emotions, my life would be a culmination of failures. I don't want to give up at the first step. Besides, I have hope!
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." ~Lamentations 3:22-23
What a promise - that every morning, we can start over; we can try again, and even if we fail, His mercy won't. Even in the depths of lamenting over Jerusalem, Jeremiah can find evidence of God's mercy, of His goodness. In the pit of despair, if we can find something to rejoice in, if we can still proclaim that God is good, that - that is the most beautiful praise. If He is our foundation, if we can only but trust in Him, then nothing else that happens will matter.
I'm still learning this. Sometimes, I don't want to believe that God is good. There is a part of me that wants to say, "Hah! God isn't good; I knew it! He's not as perfect as He says He is!"
Sometimes, I want to believe that God is as miserably human as the rest of us, that He makes mistakes, so that I can blame my failures on Him.
But it doesn't work that way. He doesn't work that way. We aren't merely sinners in the hands of an angry God. It is so, so much more than that. It's more than I even know, or can explain. While there is that errant part of my soul, there's another part. One that whispers, while the other part is belligerent, but tells the truth.
A part that asks, "What about all that God has done for you?"
What about the car accident I had less than a year ago? What about my life, saved, because His Holy Spirit prompted me to speed up? That little bit of speed caused the other car to hit me behind the driver's side door, instead of directly where I was. I would not be here if it wasn't for that - God's goodness, His prompting.
What about all the good things He has given me? What about the immediate family that I have, 32 people, and not a one of them is dead. How often do you think that happens? That there is no direct trauma in a family in the 40 years that it has been around? What a blessing.
What about the school that I am in, that I will graduate from with only 10,000 dollars of debt - which I will be able to easily pay off. What about the things He's given to me that seem small, silly. The books, the objects?
What about the friends that He's put in my life? The people that have made such an impact on me? Where would I be without them?
Where would I be without God?
Sometimes I can barely understand how I can be so ungrateful, how I can believe that God isn't good, that He hasn't planned good things for me. What's wrong with me?
The human condition, I think. I would like to forget the good and focus on the bad, so I can blame God, but I'm finding that it doesn't really work like that. Not anymore.
I'm finding more and more, as people fail me, that God is the only constant.
And, really, that's how it should be.
Exercised: 20 minutes of karate drills, 15 situps, 15 pushups
~Fumble
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